1 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,099 ♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪ 2 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:19,811 ♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪ 3 00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:24,315 ♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪ 4 00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:28,403 ♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪ 5 00:00:28,486 --> 00:00:32,157 ♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪ 6 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,493 ♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪ 7 00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:39,998 ♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪ 8 00:00:40,081 --> 00:00:43,543 ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪ 9 00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,424 Sorry about the false alarm, gang. 10 00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:52,469 Also, sorry about the three false alarms before that. 11 00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:55,889 Don't apologize. Our baby will come out when she's good and ready. 12 00:00:55,972 --> 00:00:56,973 Yeah. 13 00:00:57,057 --> 00:01:01,311 Or maybe she won't and you'll become some kind of folk legend. 14 00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:04,814 ♪ But that lady kept on truckin' And she kept on being pregnant ♪ 15 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,566 I really thought this was the one. 16 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:10,528 I had hopes, too. Your screams were so unsettling. 17 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,155 Thank you. 18 00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:15,617 Let us know when you're heading back to the hospital and we'll be there. 19 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:16,993 I don't want to go back there. 20 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,662 Don't have to go back there until your water breaks. 21 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:21,748 I don't want to go back there ever. 22 00:01:21,831 --> 00:01:24,000 How could our doctor retire a week before my due date? 23 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:28,963 He didn't retire. He was retired by the hospital. For being 85. 24 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,549 And for driving his Cadillac through the emergency room. 25 00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:34,844 Well, I'm not going back to that 14-year-old who's on call. 26 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,680 -He called me "the girl who cried baby." -He was trying to be funny. 27 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:41,226 Yeah, well, if I want a comedian to deliver our baby, I'll call Gallagher. 28 00:01:41,309 --> 00:01:43,895 Gallagher's in Cuyahoga Falls this week. 29 00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:47,023 Well, I wish that doctor was in Cuyahoga Falls this week. 30 00:01:47,106 --> 00:01:48,775 He was so condescending. 31 00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:51,444 -It's like, who does he think he is? -A medical doctor? 32 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:54,239 Bud, I will not have our baby there. 33 00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:57,242 Allison, you're frustrated. 34 00:01:57,325 --> 00:02:00,078 -You're hormonal. -Tread lightly, soldier. 35 00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:02,372 You're beautiful. 36 00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:05,083 But Dr. O'Neill is delivering our baby. 37 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,627 Dr. Puberty isn't coming near our baby. 38 00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:09,712 Allison, you know... 39 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:13,091 Remember that thing I just said about light treading to Bud? 40 00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:14,467 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 41 00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:18,138 Recent studies have shown home birth, done with care, 42 00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:22,225 reduces the risk of infection and enhances bonding. 43 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,018 -Allison. -Ooh. 44 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,187 She reads this stuff in a newsletter that she writes. 45 00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:27,105 I don't care. 46 00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:31,734 The home birth rate has increased by 30 percent in the last ten years. 47 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,863 And, hey, if it's good enough for Meryl Streep... 48 00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:37,157 -Meryl? -That's right. 49 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,741 And guess what else? 50 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:43,538 You know someone very qualified and experienced to perform the delivery. 51 00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:46,207 -Meryl? -No, me. 52 00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:50,587 I've delivered lots of babies in the '60s and in the early part of the '70s. 53 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:52,922 Really until the commune disbanded 54 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:56,301 and Guru Jeff went to jail for marrying too many ladies. 55 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:02,140 Frankie... will you deliver my baby? 56 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:07,353 Yes, Allison, a thousand times, yes! 57 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:08,354 Oh! 58 00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:10,398 You can't be serious. 59 00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:13,234 Serious as a federal polygamy inquest. 60 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,237 I've got to go make a list. 61 00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:18,448 Dad, a little help? 62 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,325 I find it's best 63 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:23,745 to not get in your mother's way with this kind of stuff. 64 00:03:23,828 --> 00:03:26,289 Oh, you mean like the birth of my child? 65 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:29,417 Bud, you need to remember 66 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:33,796 that this baby is as much your mother's as it is yours. 67 00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:42,597 Ouch. 68 00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:49,562 -What are you looking for? -Oh, we need a cord clamp. 69 00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:52,732 Wait, a cord clamp? 70 00:03:53,858 --> 00:03:55,568 Do you have a cord clamp? 71 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:58,613 No, but I have a chip clip. 72 00:03:58,696 --> 00:03:59,530 Ha. 73 00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:03,326 And we need alcohol. And towels. A lot of towels. 74 00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:05,370 You know, to wipe up the miracle. 75 00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:09,290 We've got plenty of towels at our place. Robert's a bit of a linen queen. 76 00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:14,170 Perfect. Now where in Helena did I put my birthing clogs? 77 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:17,006 Hi, girl. How's tricks? 78 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,925 Grace, why are you sitting on the stairs? 79 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:20,718 Why do people sit on a couch? 80 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:24,138 It's just as arbitrary as a good stair-sit if you think about it. 81 00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:25,556 What's in the backpack? 82 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,101 Stuff. You know, backpack stuff. 83 00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:30,979 Let me have a little look. 84 00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:34,065 A mug, a teabag, a hot plate, 85 00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:37,819 a kettle, and some homemade trail mix. 86 00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:39,904 I can see what's going on here. 87 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:42,490 Oh, you always say that and it's never true. 88 00:04:42,573 --> 00:04:45,410 You wanted a cup of tea in the bath, you couldn't carry it 89 00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:48,913 because you have to have both hands free to scoot up the stairs. 90 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,749 Wait, why can't you make it up the stairs? 91 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,627 Because she's having knee replacement surgery in two days, 92 00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:58,214 and her doctor wants her to do a full detox. 93 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,550 No booze and no pain pills. 94 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:01,759 My angels. 95 00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:06,264 Grace, it's not safe for you to be here by yourself unable to walk. 96 00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:07,557 You know, 97 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,351 Frankie and I are planning on waiting at my house 98 00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,562 until we get the big call from Bud. 99 00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:15,148 I convinced them to have a home birth. 100 00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:17,066 You're not using my towels! 101 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,570 Of course not. Paranoid. 102 00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,530 Why don't you come stay with us? 103 00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:25,825 It'll be the perfect place to detox before your surgery. 104 00:05:25,908 --> 00:05:27,118 Wow, really? 105 00:05:27,201 --> 00:05:28,411 Oh, thanks. 106 00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:30,621 That sounds absolutely fucking horrible. 107 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:33,708 He's right. There will be plenty of people to take care of you 108 00:05:33,791 --> 00:05:35,418 and there are no stairs. 109 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:36,919 Well, there are two stairs. 110 00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,297 All of this worry is unnecessary. 111 00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:43,051 Believe me when I say, leave my house. 112 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:46,554 Are you gonna make me miss my grandbaby's birth 113 00:05:46,637 --> 00:05:48,723 because you're being stubborn? 114 00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:52,935 Do you want me to never speak to you again? 115 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:55,605 Hmm. 116 00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:58,858 -Grace? -Well, I'm... I'm thinking. 117 00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:00,234 Pick her up, Sol. 118 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:01,778 Frankie, uh... 119 00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:04,322 I'm a 75-year-old man. 120 00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:06,032 Jacob could do it. 121 00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:09,243 Why are you always trying to drive a wedge between Jacob and me? 122 00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:11,621 I'm fine. Nick is coming over this afternoon. 123 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:12,747 Nice try. 124 00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:18,211 We both know that he is in Anaheim this week buying Walt Disney's head. 125 00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,297 Okay, fine. 126 00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:22,924 But Sol's not carrying me. 127 00:06:23,007 --> 00:06:24,300 No problem. 128 00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:26,427 I will get the wheelbarrow. 129 00:06:32,975 --> 00:06:36,646 ♪ Seventy-six trombones Led the big parade ♪ 130 00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:39,982 ♪ With 110 cornets close at hand ♪ 131 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:44,278 ♪ They were followed by Rows and rows of the finest virtuosos ♪ 132 00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:47,573 ♪ Sos, the cream of every famous band ♪ 133 00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:52,036 ♪ The cream of every famous ba-- ♪ 134 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:54,956 ♪ The cream of every-- ♪ 135 00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:56,916 I hate my feet. 136 00:06:57,667 --> 00:07:00,128 ♪ The cream of every famous ba-- ♪ 137 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,340 Coming. 138 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,428 Hi, Robert. 139 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:12,140 -Oh, I like your hat. -Oh. 140 00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:15,476 What, uh... can I do for you? 141 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,271 Actually, I was hoping that we could talk. May I come in? 142 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,731 -Uh, in here? -Yes. 143 00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:22,942 -To talk? -Yes. 144 00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:25,361 Of course. 145 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:36,289 Sorry for coming over uninvited like this, but... 146 00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:38,166 Are those jazz shoes? 147 00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:40,626 They're just shoes. I'm the jazz. 148 00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:43,463 How can I help you? 149 00:07:43,921 --> 00:07:46,048 Did something happen between you and Oliver? 150 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:48,384 I'm not sure I know what you mean. 151 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,345 It's just... we had such a great time with you, 152 00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:54,348 and every time I try to get Oliver to invite you over, 153 00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:55,850 he gets cagey and weird. 154 00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:57,226 It's so unlike him. 155 00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:01,522 So, you were trying to talk to him about me and Sol? 156 00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:03,816 I did this morning, but he just stormed off, 157 00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,568 said he needed to dance it out. 158 00:08:05,943 --> 00:08:07,528 I've been there. 159 00:08:07,945 --> 00:08:09,197 Robert, what's going on? 160 00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:11,115 You know, I'm not sure that-- 161 00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:15,161 -Oh, God. -Sol! 162 00:08:15,786 --> 00:08:18,789 Look who stopped by, and we've barely had a chance to speak. 163 00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:22,293 Oh, good. New people. I'm already glad I came. 164 00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:25,713 Grace, how lovely, and Frankie. Jo, say hello to Grace and Frankie. 165 00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:27,798 -'Sup. -Nice to meet you. 166 00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:30,635 To what do I owe this surprise visit? 167 00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:32,845 I was going to ask the same thing about Jo. 168 00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:37,934 Well, Sol, why don't we get all our surprise visitors some drinks. 169 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,811 -Can you help me in the kitchen? -Mind if I tag along? 170 00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:43,731 I need to borrow, and possibly ruin, all your towels. 171 00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,149 Perfect! 172 00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,317 Frankie. I... 173 00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:51,948 Lady I don't know, help me to the couch. 174 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:56,285 -Well, grab my arm! -Okay. 175 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,870 What is Jo doing here?! 176 00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,747 Relax. She doesn't know. 177 00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:02,917 I've got that situation under control. So, what the hell is Grace doing here? 178 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,168 She's having knee surgery 179 00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:06,796 and I offered her our place so she could avoid stairs. 180 00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:08,673 Right, her surgery. 181 00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:12,176 Oh, you knew? I guess you forgot to mention it to me. 182 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:13,511 I would have, Sol, 183 00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:16,389 but if you're gonna go on cruises by yourself, 184 00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:17,974 you're gonna miss stuff. 185 00:09:20,476 --> 00:09:22,311 What was I supposed to do?! 186 00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:26,983 Miss a duet between Joan Baez and Donovan? 187 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,317 Not likely! 188 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,778 I was hoping we could spend time together tonight. 189 00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:32,697 I wasn't expecting company. 190 00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,783 Oh, I'm not company. I'm a beloved fixture. 191 00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:39,412 Oh, these will do! 192 00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:43,040 Sol, what does she want with my grandmother's tea towels? 193 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:45,751 Oh, we had a little snafu at the hospital 194 00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:50,339 and Frankie is now going to deliver Bud and Allison's baby in their apartment. 195 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,966 Absolutely not with these. 196 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,886 -Thanks for the crap. -You're welcome. 197 00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:58,973 Now, then, Sol, let's make some Harvey Wallbangers for everyone, 198 00:09:59,056 --> 00:10:00,808 and then we'll send off our guests. 199 00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:02,310 Make mine a virgin. 200 00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,437 I can't drink and deliver. 201 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,814 -And Grace can't drink, either. -Ha! Can you imagine? 202 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:11,027 No, seriously. She has to detox before her surgery. 203 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,737 Doctor's orders. 204 00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:16,699 -Robert? -Sol... you fool! 205 00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:20,036 Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do. 206 00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:23,456 -You're scaring me. -Oh, be afraid. Afraid indeed. 207 00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:27,918 I have only seen Grace not drink twice in my life. 208 00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:30,379 Once, when we were stranded on a ship in the Indian Ocean, 209 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:33,174 and once, when she was pregnant with Mallory. 210 00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:35,718 What about when she was pregnant with Brianna? 211 00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:36,636 No. 212 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:40,139 Friends, let me tell you what is about to happen here: 213 00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:43,184 the three phases of sober Grace. 214 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:44,810 I'm hooked. 215 00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:47,521 irritability. 216 00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:52,234 The complete loss of all politeness and all social courtesy. 217 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,487 How will we tell? 218 00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,907 I love your little scarf. 219 00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,743 It's strong enough to choke a man. 220 00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:04,830 Phase two... 221 00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:06,916 euphoria. 222 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:10,336 Now this is a tricky one, because she is so lovely, 223 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,714 and you'll think the worst is over, but you'll be wrong. 224 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:17,760 rage. 225 00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:22,056 Pure, unfiltered rage. And you don't want to be close when it hits. 226 00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:25,810 She will cut to the core of you. She will mix lies with the truth. 227 00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:27,770 She can't control it. It controls her. 228 00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:29,855 But friends, if you stick with me... 229 00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:32,608 we may just live through this night. 230 00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:34,110 Jesus. 231 00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:36,320 Oh, he can't help you now. 232 00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:37,905 Robert! 233 00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:39,907 Who is that? 234 00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:42,201 - Oh, God. - Oliver, what are you doing here? 235 00:11:42,284 --> 00:11:43,452 No, don't. 236 00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,080 Robert! 237 00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:49,583 I told you not to talk to her. 238 00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,335 Why? What happened between you two? 239 00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:55,005 Robert thinks I shouldn't be marrying you. 240 00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:56,424 What? Why? 241 00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:58,092 Because he thinks I'm gay. 242 00:11:58,175 --> 00:12:02,430 Sol, would you mind taking me back home or setting me on fire? 243 00:12:04,598 --> 00:12:07,435 Okay, breathe. Just breathe. 244 00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:10,104 Everything's gonna be okay. Okay, one more big breath. 245 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:18,404 This is weird. This is wrong. My mother shanghaied the birth of my child. 246 00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:22,074 It's gonna be fine, man. People have been born for a long time. 247 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,659 I don't know what that means. 248 00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:25,161 Yeah, that was nonsense. 249 00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:29,081 Bud, doesn't it tell you something 250 00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:32,793 that the most hospital-positive person in the world is okay with this? 251 00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:36,172 It tells me you may have been Frankie-Bergsteined. 252 00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,923 I know what it's like. 253 00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:39,717 That's how I ended up with a tattoo on my butt. 254 00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:42,136 Yep. It says "Livin' La Vida Loca. " 255 00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:44,513 And why both "vida" and "loca" are misspelled. 256 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,391 Thanks, Mal, and thanks for bringing the twins' kiddie pool. 257 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:49,518 -Oh, actually... -The pool's mine, babe. 258 00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:55,316 So Robert said you're gay. So what? 259 00:12:55,399 --> 00:13:00,029 Honey, if I got upset every time someone told me you were gay, I'd be upset a lot. 260 00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:01,572 My mother thought he was gay. 261 00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:04,575 That's just because she and I watched a Falcon Crest marathon together. 262 00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:10,414 If loving Falcon Crest is gay, then I'm Rip Taylor and both Indigo Girls. 263 00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:15,085 Look, it's not a big deal. I know you're not attracted to men. 264 00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:18,005 You know you're not attracted to men. What does it matter? 265 00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:21,717 Yeah, these things have a way of working themselves out. Right, boys? 266 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:25,095 I didn't want to have this conversation here. Can we please go home? 267 00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:28,140 Oh, no, stay here where it's inappropriate and awkward. 268 00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:33,771 Good afternoon, folks. Please step in. May I speak to the homeowners? 269 00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:38,609 My God, will you please tell Mr. Purcelli I didn't steal his goddamn dog?! 270 00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:41,779 -It's not that this time. -Oh, God. This fucking guy. 271 00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:45,157 Oh, yeah. You're the lady who doesn't have a gun. 272 00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:48,452 I know about the gun. It was a whole thing. 273 00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:51,789 -Catch up, Torres. -What can we do for you, Officer? 274 00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:54,833 Well, it appears that an orangutan has escaped from the zoo, 275 00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:59,380 and since you're within a two-mile radius, we need to cordon off the neighborhood. 276 00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:03,300 Oh, God. Is it Bobo? Chocolate? Not Lady Beverly? 277 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:06,679 -It's Ken Allen, Jr. -Ken Allen's boy?! 278 00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:10,724 -Well, I don't know who his dad is. -Excuse me. What? 279 00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:13,435 Ken Allen, the hairy Houdini. 280 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:17,523 He escaped San Diego Zoo three times in the '70s. 281 00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:19,316 He was a legend! 282 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,694 He high-fived me once. 283 00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:24,697 He was reaching through the bars to get at your funnel cake, 284 00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:26,699 and you high-fived him. 285 00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:29,368 All I know is is that he has already attacked one zookeeper. 286 00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,745 And male orangutans, when they feel threatened, 287 00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:34,415 tend to, you know, rip scrotums off. So... 288 00:14:34,498 --> 00:14:35,958 So like us. 289 00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:40,337 If I know Ken Allen Jr., and I do, this could be a while. 290 00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:42,506 Maybe we should go straight to Bud's now. 291 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:46,051 I can't let you leave. The neighborhood is on lockdown until further notice. 292 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:49,430 What? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. 293 00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:51,557 -We just live next door... -No exceptions. 294 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,226 Hopefully we'll find Ken Allen Jr. within the hour. 295 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:58,647 Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to knock on more doors before he rips my nuts off. 296 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:02,067 Who else is rooting for the monkey? 297 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:10,284 So, do I just like sit there, legs spread, 298 00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:12,244 kind of a like fertility goddess vibe? 299 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:15,456 Or do I just say "screw it" and go on all fours? 300 00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:17,374 Either way, we're gonna get an eyeful. 301 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,835 I don't want the pool back, obviously. 302 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,337 That was Mom. 303 00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:22,922 Oh, is she heading back over? 304 00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:24,965 She is not. 305 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,259 -What? -Dad and Robert's place is under lockdown. 306 00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:29,511 Apparently, an orangutan escaped from the zoo. 307 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,347 Who are we talking? Bonkers? 308 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:34,183 Jeffrey Baumgardner? Ape Blanchett? 309 00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,101 How does your brain determine what facts to keep? 310 00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,603 I'm sorry, what are we gonna do? 311 00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:41,065 It's fine. Everything'll be okay. I'm sure she'll be here soon. 312 00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:43,317 -Nothing to worry about until-- -My water... 313 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:44,985 Breaks. Exactly. 314 00:15:45,069 --> 00:15:46,445 Broke. Just now. 315 00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,280 Okay, so... 316 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,532 we have something to worry about. 317 00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:54,078 -What? What? -Allison's water broke. 318 00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:55,996 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 319 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,665 We're trapped! 320 00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,875 Robert, we're gonna need your shovels! 321 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,377 You're gonna tunnel out of here? 322 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,421 Oh, that's an even better idea! 323 00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:07,549 It's gonna be okay. We'll be at the hospital soon. 324 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:08,676 Everything's gonna be okay. 325 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:10,970 What was I thinking, that I could do this at home? 326 00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:13,847 -Why did you talk me into this? -Uh... because I didn't. 327 00:16:13,931 --> 00:16:17,893 I know this is not a good time, but Allison, what moisturizer do you use? 328 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,270 -Your skin is so soft. -Put me down. Put me down. 329 00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:22,272 I think it's too late. I can't move. 330 00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,066 -Stop touching me. Oh, my God! -Okay. 331 00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:25,150 Oh, God. 332 00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:29,279 I think I'm having a panic attack. Oh, it's too much. 333 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,365 -My chess coach was right-- -Bud! 334 00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:32,866 Look at me. Get up. 335 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,827 Snap out of it, okay? 336 00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,287 This baby is coming, and we're gonna have to deal with it. 337 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,832 Fortunately for you, I have some experience at home births, 338 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:42,876 and was married to a doctor who delivered babies and was an asshole. 339 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,128 That last part isn't relevant, 340 00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:46,505 but I think I can guide Allison through this, okay? 341 00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:49,383 You're hurting me. 342 00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:59,685 Okay, I'm gonna make a break for it. 343 00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:02,688 Don't be silly. We just have to wait it out. 344 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:06,066 Wait this out, are you crazy? I'm not missing that birth. 345 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:09,486 Now you either get on my wavelength or you get out of my way. 346 00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:12,114 Okay! Okay. Okay. Uh... 347 00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:15,159 we make a beeline for the car, 348 00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:17,745 and once we make it past the police barricade, we're home free. 349 00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:20,414 That's the talk momma likes. 350 00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:21,623 Here we go. 351 00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:25,252 Where the hell do you think you're going? There's a killer monkey out there. 352 00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:27,504 You just don't want to deal with Oliver and Jo. 353 00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:30,299 No, I do not want to deal with Oliver and Jo, 354 00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:32,885 nor a dangerously sober Grace! 355 00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:36,889 Robert, have I told you how much I love this rug? 356 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:41,310 - Why is the hair on my neck standing up? - Phase two. 357 00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:45,981 Sol, I want you to ignore that nonsense and pay attention to this nonsense. 358 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,608 Now, let's go. 359 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,657 They're better off out there. 360 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:58,535 You know, you didn't exactly answer my question. 361 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,913 Again, I really rather not have this conversation here. 362 00:18:00,996 --> 00:18:03,415 Okay, fine. But I think we need to have it at some point. 363 00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:06,418 Why don't we go home, put on the original cast recording of Camelot, 364 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,587 -and talk it out. -But we can't get home! 365 00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,923 And I already listened to it today. 366 00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:12,758 Everybody is so tense here. 367 00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:15,969 Come on, Jo, plop yourself down. Let me give you a shoulder rub. 368 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:19,389 Actually, how about we do a shoulder rub train? 369 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,725 Robert? Gay guy? 370 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:26,939 Unhand me, Stormtrooper! 371 00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:28,690 You promise to stop biting me? 372 00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:30,609 It's involuntary. 373 00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:32,820 We'll behave, Officer. 374 00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:36,907 Oh, she's gonna have that baby and I'm gonna be stuck here. 375 00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:39,201 I could just die. I really could. 376 00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:41,286 Oh, sweetheart. 377 00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:42,496 Don't be silly. 378 00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:44,957 There's so much to live for: 379 00:18:45,749 --> 00:18:48,627 cake pops, and the beach... 380 00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:50,754 the mysteries of Paris. 381 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:55,050 You know, even my knee surgery is a miracle. And cake pops. 382 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:56,718 Ju-- Hmm? 383 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,096 That's so sweet, Phase Two. 384 00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:03,851 But I don't care. I didn't give up my life with Jacob in Santa Fe 385 00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,644 to miss these moments. 386 00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:08,313 Think how happy you'll be when you get to hold that baby. 387 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:11,066 It won't matter that you weren't there at the birth. 388 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,276 It does matter. 389 00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:15,737 -Why? -I wasn't there for the birth of our sons. 390 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,698 I didn't know Coyote and Bud were adopted. 391 00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:19,867 You didn't know Bud was adopted? 392 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:23,745 I'd have given anything to be there for their first breath in the world. 393 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:26,039 And I just thought, if I could see this one, 394 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,876 it might make up for missing theirs. 395 00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,378 Oh, God, Officer... 396 00:19:31,461 --> 00:19:35,007 Officer, are you not moved? 397 00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:38,969 I know you are a good man. 398 00:19:39,052 --> 00:19:40,804 Isn't there anything you can do? 399 00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:43,891 -Ma'am, I'm sorry, but-- -Oh, you could date my daughter. 400 00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:46,560 The nice one with the-- with the cheek bones. 401 00:19:46,643 --> 00:19:48,187 -Mallory? -Yeah. 402 00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:50,314 Uh, give me five minutes. 403 00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:52,900 Oh, I should have set him up with you. 404 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,485 But there's plenty of good men out there for both of you. 405 00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:57,613 Excuse me, that's really not funny. 406 00:19:57,988 --> 00:20:01,366 Don't you try to be butch, Stephanie. 407 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:05,037 -What? -I know where this story goes! 408 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:08,457 And this fit young woman isn't gonna give you the best years of her life 409 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:13,170 so you can just ditch her for some marionette with chinchillas for eyebrows! 410 00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:15,422 I'll take that as a compliment. 411 00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:17,090 Don't engage, Sol. 412 00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:18,467 Why are you still here? 413 00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,177 You have the use of your legs, 414 00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:22,596 and the monkey doesn't care about anything but scrotums, 415 00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:24,139 just like your boyfriend. 416 00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,767 He's my fiancé and you're just a mean old bitch. 417 00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:30,270 You all think we're just like you, but here's the big difference: 418 00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:33,774 no matter who I'm attracted to, I would never cheat on Jo, okay? 419 00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:36,360 -I love her, and she's my soul mate. -I'm his soul mate. 420 00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:37,569 Oh! 421 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:42,532 Soul mate! Now there... there is a meaningless concept. 422 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:47,746 This one just said to Frankie she was his soul mate just the other day. 423 00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:50,624 Right, Sol? Didn't keep him from leaving her. 424 00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,377 -Uh... Uh, I... -What did you say? 425 00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:56,421 You said she was your soul mate just the other day? 426 00:20:56,505 --> 00:21:00,425 I believe that what I said was Sol-mate, 427 00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:02,844 as in a mate of Sol's. 428 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:06,556 Not in the romantic or biological sense. 429 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,351 No, more nautical in nature, 430 00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:14,022 as in the assistant to the master of a merchant ship. 431 00:21:15,899 --> 00:21:19,361 Originally, from the Middle English, "mette." 432 00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:21,613 We have to get out of here. These people are crazy. 433 00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:25,117 -We're fast. We live 20 feet away. -I don't care if we die out there. 434 00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:31,290 - Breathe. - Oh, boy. Oh, boy. 435 00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:38,005 Okay, Mallory, administer the epidural. 436 00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:39,756 Oh. 437 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,342 Honey... no. 438 00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:45,095 - Oh, please... - I know. 439 00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:47,306 It was just the day. 440 00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:51,268 The long drive, the adventure, the Chili's. 441 00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:53,770 I got caught up in the moment. 442 00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:57,190 So you don't think Frankie is your soul mate? 443 00:21:57,774 --> 00:22:00,360 -What does it matter? -Oh, Jesus. 444 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,905 What do you want me to do with this information, Sol? 445 00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:06,491 I mean, what would you do if you were me? 446 00:22:08,744 --> 00:22:10,078 I have news. 447 00:22:11,705 --> 00:22:12,706 I'm coming! 448 00:22:13,957 --> 00:22:15,250 He's got news. 449 00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:16,585 Oh, what happened? 450 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:19,046 Is it good or bad? 451 00:22:19,129 --> 00:22:21,340 I just got off the phone with my commanding officer, 452 00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:22,424 and it's good news. 453 00:22:22,507 --> 00:22:24,676 You shot that monkey and now you're here to shoot me? 454 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,137 No. I lost my gun. 455 00:22:27,220 --> 00:22:29,514 I can get you two out, but we have to leave now. 456 00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:31,558 Yes! Ha, ha! 457 00:22:31,641 --> 00:22:32,934 Uh, there is one catch: 458 00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:36,980 I told him that I had an emergency with a pregnant woman about to give birth. 459 00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:38,065 Oh! 460 00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:40,025 Let's roll! 461 00:22:41,818 --> 00:22:42,736 I'm sorry. 462 00:22:42,819 --> 00:22:44,488 It's your grandchild. Go. 463 00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:47,491 I promise we'll talk about this when I get home. 464 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:53,663 So, should I get Mallory's number from you, or just... 465 00:22:53,747 --> 00:22:56,416 look her up on Facebook? Yeah. I'll do that. 466 00:22:57,125 --> 00:23:00,003 I told them not to bring me here. 467 00:23:00,087 --> 00:23:01,546 They should have listened. 468 00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:04,549 I'm sorry. 469 00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:06,301 -What? -I'm sorry. 470 00:23:06,384 --> 00:23:09,471 I didn't mean to make things worse between you and Sol. 471 00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:11,515 Grace, is this a new phase? 472 00:23:12,432 --> 00:23:14,893 remorse. 473 00:23:15,477 --> 00:23:17,521 Coupled with terror. 474 00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:18,730 Terror? 475 00:23:18,814 --> 00:23:21,983 You know, you will be able to drink again at some point. 476 00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:26,071 Not if I die on the table. Do you know how much it would suck to die right now? 477 00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:29,699 It's the one thing I specifically did not want to do. 478 00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:32,160 -You're not gonna die. -You don't know that! 479 00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:34,538 Well, remember before my surgery, 480 00:23:34,621 --> 00:23:38,458 when you told me I was not allowed to die because you weren't done yelling at me? 481 00:23:38,542 --> 00:23:40,627 Well, I'm telling you, you're not allowed to die 482 00:23:40,710 --> 00:23:42,629 because you're still not done yelling at me. 483 00:23:42,712 --> 00:23:43,839 Yeah, right. 484 00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:49,094 It's that I just feel there's so much left to do. 485 00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:50,971 And I really want a drink. 486 00:23:51,346 --> 00:23:54,891 You're gonna have all the pain pills you want in two days. 487 00:23:57,269 --> 00:24:00,397 That is the nicest thing you have ever said to me. 488 00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:05,527 I know that you're worried about this soul mate business, 489 00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:07,487 but, you know, what do you care? 490 00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:09,364 You don't even believe in soul mates. 491 00:24:09,447 --> 00:24:10,824 But Sol does. 492 00:24:10,907 --> 00:24:14,494 And I guess I hoped that he might think... 493 00:24:15,662 --> 00:24:16,538 I don't know, 494 00:24:17,497 --> 00:24:18,748 that I was his. 495 00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:29,634 Okay, stop pushing. Breathe. Breathe. 496 00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:31,595 Oh, she's coming! 497 00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:34,264 But if she's born underwater, how is she gonna breathe? 498 00:24:34,347 --> 00:24:36,474 She doesn't know how to hold her breath yet. 499 00:24:36,558 --> 00:24:38,727 I couldn't swim until I was 14. 500 00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:40,437 I don't understand this! 501 00:24:44,858 --> 00:24:46,651 Mom! You made it. 502 00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:48,111 Of course I made it! 503 00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:52,324 Nothing could keep Frankie Bergstein from being here. 504 00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:54,326 Now, get me my towels! 505 00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:57,078 Ah. 506 00:24:57,162 --> 00:24:57,996 What? 507 00:24:58,079 --> 00:24:59,873 I even made it for the crowning. 508 00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:03,668 Okay, now, I want you just to relax. 509 00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:07,297 I'm gonna try an ancient technique I learned with the Kalahari Bushmen 510 00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:10,550 when I lived with them for a week after I got lost from my tour group. 511 00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:18,433 Here, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby... 512 00:25:18,516 --> 00:25:22,520 -Jesus, Mom, that can't be how it works. -She's coming! She's coming! 513 00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:23,730 I see her shoulders! 514 00:25:25,065 --> 00:25:27,400 When did I get in the baby pool? 515 00:25:30,737 --> 00:25:32,197 And here she is! 516 00:25:42,832 --> 00:25:43,708 Oh! 517 00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:52,425 She's perfect. 518 00:25:52,509 --> 00:25:54,636 Congratulations, Mommy. 519 00:25:57,430 --> 00:26:00,016 Congratulations, Daddy. 520 00:26:01,935 --> 00:26:03,520 Nice work, Grandma. 521 00:26:03,603 --> 00:26:04,854 And you were here. 522 00:26:05,563 --> 00:26:07,607 I was here. 523 00:26:08,608 --> 00:26:10,318 She's beautiful. 524 00:26:12,153 --> 00:26:13,571 Um, it's not a big deal, 525 00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,825 but you have to name the baby "Officer Torres." 526 00:26:21,830 --> 00:26:25,792 ♪ It was written that I would love you ♪ 527 00:26:25,875 --> 00:26:29,796 ♪ From the moment I opened my eyes ♪ 528 00:26:29,879 --> 00:26:34,175 ♪ And the morning when I first saw you ♪ 529 00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:38,138 ♪ Gave me life under calico skies ♪ 530 00:26:38,221 --> 00:26:42,642 ♪ I will hold you ♪ 531 00:26:42,726 --> 00:26:45,478 ♪ For as long as you like ♪ 532 00:26:45,562 --> 00:26:48,690 ♪ I'll hold you ♪ 533 00:26:48,773 --> 00:26:53,653 ♪ For the rest of my life ♪ 534 00:27:04,831 --> 00:27:06,124 Okay, good night.